Workplace Insanity

How to keep a health level of insanity in the workplace

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective
if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you
did this. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting
for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting
eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with
that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a coworker
and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish
tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch
in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc.... in the lunchroom,
when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach,
and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their
caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99
copies.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to
others.

When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers
running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your
boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and
grimacing.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the
entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE

type only in lowercase.

Don't use any punctuation either

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
  "Do you hear that?"
  "What?"
  "Never mind, it's gone now."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
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