God and Adam

    From Genesis - Chapter 3, verse 9, and
    following:

9 -
    And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10 -
    And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, and I
hid myself among the
    trees of the garden, because I was naked; and I was in fear lest thou
shouldst ask of me
    whether I had eaten of the Tree of Knowledge.
11 -
    And the Lord God spake unto him, saying; Never mind eating of the Tree
of Knowledge,
    thou hast walked on the Grass of Knowledge for a start.
12 -
    And the man said, I thought it was alright to walk upon the Grass of
Knowledge - I did
    not know that was any big deal.
13 -
    Whereat the Lord God waxed exceeding wroth, crying; There are signs up
everywhere.
    As to thy being naked, thou art not naked at all - the Lord thy God hath
eyes in his head.
    Thou and the woman that I made for thee have picked leaves to be a
covering - what
    dost thou think thou art playing at, picking at things? It`ll be the
daffs next.
14 -
    And the man replied in thus wise, saying, The woman whom thou gavest to
be with me,
    she hath done this. I was happy in my nakedness, it was not draughty,
but the woman
    insisted, and I plucked of the tree two leaves, contrary to sub-section
eight of the
    bye-laws, paragraph fourteen.
15 -
    And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done?
And the
    woman said, the serpent beguiled me, saying it would be fashionable, a
smart leaf.
16 -
    And the Lord God grew great in his anger, crying, It will be riding
bloody bicycles on
    the foot-path next, it will be failing to put sweet wrappers in the
receptacles provided.
    And he turned then to the man, saying, Hast thou a licence for this
snake?
17 -
    And the man fell upon his knees in that place, shouting, It hath no
legs, it doth not bark,
    it is not a dog, wherefore is it that I should have a licence?
18 -
    But the Lord God would not be assuaged, saying, I know it is not a dog -
I the Lord God
    hath made it. It is not an elephant or a plaice either, and do not get
clever with me. The
    fact is that it is a dangerous animal within the meaning of the Act -
they can kill you,
    snakes, I speak as one that knoweth, and as such they require a licence,
obtainable at any
    Post Office that I have made.
19 -
    and the man hung his head, saying, I did not realise.
20 -
    But the Lord God exculpated him not, saying, Ignorance of the law is no
excuse. It is
    not even on a lead - it could foul the footpath, and they are no joke,
snake droppings.
    this is the Garden of Eden, not an adventure playground.
21 -
    Therefore the Lord God sent them forth from the Garden of Eden, and he
placed at the
    east of the Garden of Eden Cherubims, in caps and armbands, and a
flaming signboard
    with all the bye-laws writ large upon it, to keep the way of the Tree of
Life.

Chapter 4

1 -
    And Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived, and bore Cain, and said,
I have gotten
    a man from the Lord.
2 -
    Whereat the Lord God spake unto them, saying, I trust that thou hast
registered this
    child, and that thou hast registered him once only - I do not want any
Maternity Grant
    fiddles, I do not want him coming back when he is unemployed claiming
two lots of
    Social Security. I give thee fair warning - that could well be a matter
for thunderbolts.
3 -
    And she again conceived, and bore his brother Abel. And Abel was a
keeper of sheep,
    but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And it came to pass that in the
course of time Cain
    brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord.
4 -
    But the Lord God was greatly dipleased in that place where He was,
saying, Call that a
    tomato? It is more like a red pea - hast thou no thought for the Weights
and Measures
    Act that I have given thee, dost thou turn thy back on my Office of Fair
Trading? What
    is it thou art trying to put over on the unfortunate public?
5 -
    And Cain replied in thus wise, saying, Public - what public? There is
only I and thou in
    this place where we are, unfortunate or otherwise.
6 -
    And the Lord God gathered up the clouds and spake unto him in thunder,
crying, Do not
    take that tone with me, I am the Lord thy legally constituted Local
Authority, and a thing
    is not a tomato unless I say it is a tomato.
7 -
    And Cain went away in anger from that place, saying, It tasted alright -
what difference
    doth it make if it was a bit undersized? How can you make a living if
you don`t bend the
    rules a bit? And lo, he came upon his brother Abel in a field, and Abel
had with him
    where he was a sheep that had found favour with the Lord in that it
complied with all
    the Regulations concerning weight, quality, vaccination, smell, and all
the rest. And
    Abel said unto his brother Cain, How didst thou get on with that titchy
little tomato?
8 -
    And Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and slew him.
9 -
    And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel, thy brother? And Cain
replied, I know not -
    am I my brother`s keeper?
10 -
    And the Lord replied in thus wise, saying, Thou art his next-of-kin, and
it is therefore
    thy legal obligation to report his demise to the Authorities, especially
in view of the fact
    that it is thou that hast demised him.
11 -
    And Cain said, he got up my nose.
12 -
    And the Lord God replied, saying, That is no excuse for failing to
report his death.
    Coming on top of thy dreadful infringement of the Tomato Regulations,
this is too
    much. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, reminding him of the serious
penalties
    involved should he receive two further marks in a period of three years,
under the
    totting-up procedure.
13 -
    And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land
of Nod, on the
    east of Eden.
14 -
    And Cain knew his wife, and she conceived, and bore Enoch. And Cain
builded a city,
    and named it after the name of his son, Enoch.
15 -
    And the Lord God waxed furious, crying, Didst thou get planning
permission for a city?
    Look at it - it hath no proper drains, it hath high-rise blocks stuck up
all over the place,
    it hath not a proper road from one end to the other, it is an eyesore
and an affront.
16 -
    And Cain answered the Lord in some heat, crying, This is not Green Belt,
this is bloody
    Nod - it is thou that hast stuckest me in this place where I am to be a
developer, on
    account of not being able to follow my chosen profession, to whit tiller
of ground. How
    am I to make an honest bob - all right, fairly honest?
17 -
    But the Lord would not countenance his appeal, and knocked the city
down, that it be a
    lesson and a guide to all men.
18 -
    And Enoch - the son, not the city - begat Irad, and Irad begat Mehujael,
and Mehujael
    begat Methusael, and Methusael begat Lamech.
19 -
    And Lamech took unto him two wives - the name of the one was Adah, and
the name of
    the second was Zillah.
20 -
    And the Lord God waxed really spare this time, what with the
multiplicity of spouses
    and the serious begetting explosion, for the infringements were beyond
number, and the
    Lord was up to here with paperwork. And of the myriad thousands that now
teemed the
    Earth, the majority did not make full and complete tax returns, nor did
they return home
    from work without paperclips and rubbers that they had taken, saying,
Who is it that
    will notice? Also they lived together in Council accomodation when they
were not
    legally married, and they did not observe the yellow lines that the Lord
their God had
    made for them, nay, not even the double yellow lines. And they smoked in
those places
    where there were signs clearly exhorting them not to do so, and built on
    room-extensions in cedar-wood and sandal-wood without informing the
Ratings
    Authority ... and they sang in those places that did not have a license
for singing.

Chapter 5

1 -
    And God saw that the wickedness of men was great in the Earth, and that
every
    imagination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil, continually.
2 -
    And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face
of the Earth,
    for it repenteth me that I have made them. They cannot be left alone for
a minute - I am
    losing a thousand gas-meters a day, never mind forged Cup Final tickets.
3 -
    But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord.
4 -
    And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me, and
behold, I will
    destroy them with the face of the Earth. Make thee an ark of
gopher-wood. And this is
    the fashion that thou shalt make it of - the length of the ark shall be
three hundred
    cubits, and the height of it shall be thirty cubits.
5 -
    Thus Noah and his sons fashioned them an ark, and it was done.
6 -
    But when the Lord God looked upen where it was, he waxed practically out
of his mind,
    crying, Is that the gopher wood that I commanded thee?
7 -
    And Noah replied in thus wise, saying, Not exactly, it`s more your
actual chipboard. I
    was very lucky - it fell off the back of a cart, also no VAT, nudge
nudge, catch my drift?
8 -
    And God caught his drift, saying, Nor is it the three hundred cubits in
length that I
    bespoke unto thee.
9 -
    And Noah replied unto him, saying, Right, right, there are no flies on
thee, O Lord. It is
    about, what, two hundred cubits, give or take, it was a pretty small
cart if thou knowest
    what I mean - it looks like pretty bad news for the dinosaurs and the
unicorns, one way
    and another.
10 -
    And the Lord God retreated into the cloud, and wept. And the tears
became rain.