French/PNG News

>From the FPA. (French Press Agency)

PARIS:  France was declared the world sport superpower yesterday after
beating Brazil in the soccer World Cup yesterday, 3-nil.

The world's biggest party began and hundreds of excited fans scaled the
outside of the Eiffel Tower.  Many of them were already so intoxicated
they had to crawl up.

The French President yesterday stated: "No-one can stop us now.  We are
the super race.  We are not only going to continue nuclear testing in
the Pacific, but we are going to start nuking PNG."
In a separate press interview, the French Foreign Minister argued that
"Action will be taken at once to ensure that PNG doesn't send
mercenaries into the middle of Paris."

Australian Prime Minister John Howard took time out from his KKK meeting
to comment on the French's reaction to their win.  Wearing a white robe
with a large red pentagram painted on it, Mr Howard confided in
journalists that "What the French have said is untrue.  We are the super
race.  The French have done nothing for the world.  We lead the world in
racist policies, privatisation of everything and democratic
rationalisation."

President Clinton delayed a flight to Russia to make the following
statement:
"If we had placed a team in the World Cup, we would have thrashed all of
you guys beyond recognition."

Boris Yeltsin went on Russian television to state "Where are you Mr
Clinton?  The vodka is getting cold."

Prime Minister Bill Skate of PNG replied "The grog is not cold where I
am."

International Alcoholics Anonymous spokesman Peter Heindrich was ashamed
of the actions of the world leaders and said: "This is sick.  These
leaders are not setting a good example to the youth of this world.  I
think they should be shocked at their actions and should undergo
psychiatric examination."

The Australian Ministry of Defence stated that three warships were
sailing from Darwin to the coast off west France.  The purpose of the
mission was unclear but sailors onboard the vessel said that they were
"on a suicide mission."  Several squadrons of F/A-18 Hornets and F1-11s
were also said to be tracking their way across the globe towards France.

Chinese Army officials said, "If Australia wants to bash up France, we
would like to join the party."  The Republic of Uganda declined to
comment on the matter.

Twelve school children who were found playing with a soccer ball at a
PNG state school were given detentions and asked to write the following
lines five hundred times: "I will not start wars."  The PNG education
minister was too busy boarding a flight to Taipan to give any further
information.

More updates will be published as soon as they come in.