dear abby

Dear Abby: Should I Be Honest?
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter
from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My
mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former
dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while
they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week
heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my
70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are
well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful,
sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to
marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec
souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our
kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In
your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works
for Microsoft?