WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS!


     General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know

how
to drive, because people don't buy cars the way they buy computers --
but
imagine if they did...

     HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

     CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
     happened!"

     HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

     CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"

     HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and
turns
     over the engine."

     CUSTOMER:  "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine?  How come I have to
know
     all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
     ----------
     HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

     CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
anywhere!"

     HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"

     CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know?"

     HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a
needle, and
     markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the needle pointing?"

     CUSTOMER:  "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

     HELPLINE:  "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

     CUSTOMER:  "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

     HELPLINE:  "A 'V'?!?"

     CUSTOMER:  "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V',

     followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

     HELPLINE:  "No, no, no sir!  That's the front of the car.
     When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm
talking
about."

     CUSTOMER:  "That steering wheel thingy--  Is that the round thing
that
     honks the horn?"

     HELPLINE:  "Yes, among other things."

     CUSTOMER:  "The needle's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"

     HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor
     and purchase some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself, or
pay the
     vendor to install it for you."

     CUSTOMER:  "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell me
that I
have
      to keep buying more components?
     I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
     ----------
     HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

     CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"

     HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"

     CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

     HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"

     CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal
     all the way to the floor.
     It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even

     start up!"

     HELPLINE:  "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you
misuse
the
     product."

     CUSTOMER:  "Misuse it?  I was just following this darned
     manual of yours.  It said to make the car go to put the
transmission
     in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal.  That's exactly what I did
     --now the darn thing's crashed."

     HELPLINE:  "Did you read the entire operator's manual before
operating
     the car sir?"

     CUSTOMER:  "What?  Of course I did!  I told you I did EVERYTHING
the
     manual said and it didn't work!"

     HELPLINE:  "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

     CUSTOMER:  "How do you do THAT?"

     HELPLINE:  "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page
14.
     The pedal next to the accelerator."

     CUSTOMER:  "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this
     manual, you know."

     HELPLINE:  "Of course not.  What do you expect us to do about it?"

     CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that
goes
     fast and won't crash anymore!"
     ----------
     HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

     CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose
     your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power
     steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

     HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"

     CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"

     HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"

     CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"

     HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

     CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go places
in
     my car!"