Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say cats lick
themselves clean.  They say cats have a special enzyme of some
sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -
dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore.  Like most
blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the
contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage
and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the
contrary and announce:  "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a
hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have
some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend
under your arm and head for the bathtub:

--  Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of
strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the
battlefield.  Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can
force you to chase him.  Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if
you were about to take a shower.  (A simple shower curtain will
not do.  A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower
curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

--  Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are
smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.  I recommend
canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair
of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a
long-sleeved flak jacket.

--  Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go out
for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak
jacket.  Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is
inside the glass enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached,
even if you are lying on your back in the water.

--  Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats will not
usually notice your strange attire.  They have little or no
interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb,
calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing
experiment for J.C. Penney.)

--  Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival.  In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door,
step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the
cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.  You have begun one
of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles.  Add the fact that he now has soapy fur,
and the problem is radically compounded.  Do not expect to hold
on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time.  When you
have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt
of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall
back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national
record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

--  Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers always
assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally
are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really
determined.  In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you
have just been through.  That's because by now the cat is
semipermanently affixed to your right leg.  You simply pop the
drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
of your army helmet.  If this happens, the best thing you can do
is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple
matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks
and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.  He
might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a
plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry.  This isn't usually
the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through
your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to
give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.