REITH ORDERS TROOPS ON TO THE WATERFRONT

In a shock move, the Federal Government today ordered troops onto the
waterfront of the National capital, Canberra.  Workplace Relations
Minister, Peter Reith, announced that the Judges of the High Court, on
the shores of Lake Burley Griffin, were to be replaced by a Military
Tribunal, and that all future hearings would be conducted as if they
were a Court Martial.

"In today's competitive environment, we can no longer afford the
outdated, inefficient, and anachronistic practices which the High Court
has clung to for so long," he said.

Mr Reith outlined a long list of work practices which he claimed were
making the Court a laughing stock around the world, including:

Massive overmanning, with seven Judges duplicating each other's role -
when one would be sufficient;

Very poor productivity, reaching only 120 decisions in 1996-97 compared
with world's best practice of 12,378 per annum, achieved by Iran in
1979-80;

Excessive meal breaks - referred to as "adjournments", and refusal to
work overtime or weekends, despite a huge case backlog;

Insistence on palatial premises, including individual rest rooms and
personal libraries for each Justice - referred to as "Chambers";

Lengthy periods of paid inactivity - supposedly on the grounds that the
Judges needed time to ponder their decisions;

Maintenance of a closed shop, with all Judges required to have been
members of the Law Society, or "Lawyers' Union", as Mr Reith called
them; and

Lack of any competitive tendering of cases to more cost-effective
Judges.

"On top of that, they get paid even more than a Government Minister, and
they don't have to justify themselves to the communists employed by the
ABC, like I do," whined Mr Reith.

"Quite frankly, the Australian taxpayer has had enough of these sorts of
rorts and industrial thuggery, and we can't tolerate this farce any
longer.  This is the first Government since Federation which has been
prepared to stand up and be counted on such a vital issue."

Mr Reith denied that the Government's actions had anything to do with
the Court's rejection of the government's position in a number of
important cases, including a recent finding against the Government's
alleged co-conspirators, Patrick's Stevedores.

"That suggestion is just typical of the trendy pinko lefties in the
media.  The Australian people aren't stupid, you know, they understand
that we are about getting Australians working again and keeping
Australia in the front line of the reform process."

In response to the Government's announcement, the Judges of the High
Court are understood to have reserved their position, and will hand down
their decision in about six months.  In the meantime, it is thought that
they will continue their sit-in at the High Court Building.

In the meantime, the Law Society has threatened a campaign of massive
obfuscation and excessive verbosity.  In line with the Society's normal
practice, they have issued a 32 page response to the Government's
actions - which an independent expert has interpreted to mean "We
disgree".  It was suggested that they might threaten to bring the
Nation's legal processes to a standstill, but it seems that this goal
has already been achieved.

A community picket line, including builders' labourers, wharfies,
Judges, barristers and the Governor General, has been established around
the High Court.  An application for an injunction to remove the picket
line has been listed for a hearing in eight months time.

A spokesman for the newly installed military tribunal, who will remain
anonymous to prevent recriminations, said that the Army was considering
whether or not to deploy both of its tanks in Canberra, assuming - of
course - that the necessary spare parts could be cleared from Patrick's
dock in Sydney