True stories

Florida:
A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun.  Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FxxK-UP!"  For a moment, 
everyone  was silent.  Then the snickers started.  The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing.  It probably
saved the guard's life, because he'd  been about to draw his
gun and he couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got
him.  The thief ran away and is still at large.  In memory of
the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved 
"Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"

New York:
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran.  The clerk called 911 immediately and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. 
Within minutes, the police had  apprehended the snatcher.  They
put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store.  The thief was
then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. 
To which he  replied  "Yes, Officer, that's her.  That's the lady
I stole the purse from."