Microsoft Ford Corporation

Recently, in his anti-trust battles with the DOJ, Bill Gates has drawn the
analogy that releasing Windows 98 without Internet Explorer would be like
selling a car without a stereo.

With apologies to the Ford Corporation, we offer this scenario:

Microsoft and Ford have merged. We listen in on a support call ...

MF: Hello, this is Microsoft-Ford support. How can I help you?

Caller: My car won't start.

MF: Would you give me some details please?

Caller: I put the key in the ignition and turn it, but nothing happens!

MF: Hm. What station is your MSAE tuned to?

Caller: What's a "MSAE"?

MF: It's the sound card mounted in your car's dashboard which controls the
sounds inside the car.

Caller: You mean the radio? I've got it turned off so I could hear if the
car was starting.

MF: Sir, the term "radio" is an old name for the device and we don't call
it that any more. It's now called the Microsoft Audio Explorer, or MSAE. It
is an integral part of the automobile and has to be enabled in order for
your car to start.

Caller: But I have a headache and I didn't want to listen to the radio today
so I turned it off.

MF: You'll have to enable the MSAE for the car to start. Please do so and
try to start the car again.

Caller: (sigh) OK.

[silence for a moment, then music, but nothing else]

Caller: It still won't start.

MF: Hm. I hear music. What frequency do you have your MSAE tuned to?

Caller: Hell, I don't know... looks like 95 or so... the "oldies" station.

MF: Well, you'll have to adjust the frequency to 98.

Caller: (curtly) OK, OK.

[music stops]

Caller: I don't hear anyth...  I don't hear... WAIT A MINUTE! That's MY
VOICE coming over the radio! What the hell's going on?

MF: We broadcast all support calls on the air so that all may benefit from
problem resolutions.

[Caller is about to utter loud expletive, but thinks better of it.]

MF: Could you try starting the automobile now, please?

[Sound of car starting... then loud crunching... then silence]

Caller: Well, it seemed to start fine, but then it just stopped.

MF: Is the ignition key on?

Caller: No. I had to turn off the key to make the crunching sounds stop.

MF: Hm. Is the MSAE still enabled?

Caller: Yes, the radio's still on, but I did turn the volume down because
the feedback is making my headache worse.

MF: Try turning the volume up all the way and try it again.

Caller: (through clenched teeth) OK.

[Car starting... loud crunching... then silence again]

Caller: Same thing.

MF: Try reinstalling the MSAE and try again.

Caller: WHAT?! That means taking apart the dashboard! That'll take hours!

MF: Yes, sir, but it might resolve the problem.

[sound of phone slamming down on receiver]

Later....

MF: Hello, this is Microsoft-Ford support. How can I help you?

Caller: I've reinstalled my MSAE and I'm still having problems with my car
starting.

MF: Is this the first time this has happened?

Caller: I spoke with someone else on your staff earlier about this!

MF: Ah. Since this isn't your first support call, there'll be a $2.99 per
minute charge for support. Please explain the nature of the problem to me.

[Through clenched teeth, but showing remarkable restraint, caller explains
what happened.]

MF: Maybe the problem has gone away. Could you try it now please?

Caller: SURE! LISTEN!

[Car starting... crunching sounds... silence]

Caller: It's still doing the same thing!

MF: Hm. What kind of I/O access device do you have installed?

Caller: WHAT?!

MF: You might refer to it as a "garage door." Is it functioning correctly?

[brief silence]

Caller: Good God! My garage door is battered to hell! What happened?

MF: I'm not sure, sir, but from what you said, it appears that the access
device was not in the proper operating position to allow your automobile to
function properly. Who is the manufacturer of your access device?

Caller: WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?!

MF: Sir, the MF has a list of approved I/O access devices, and if the
device you're using is not on that list, then MF cannot assure full
functionality of your automobile...

[sound of gunshot... thud... silence]