How to Argue Effectively

I argue very well, just ask any of my remaining friends. I can win any
argument, on any topic, against any opponent. I am so well recognized
for my arguing skill that people frequently steer clear of me at
parties, and often as a sign of their great respect they don't even
invite me. Now you too can learn to win arguments, by following these
simple rules:

      Drink Liquor

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're
drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your
date.

However if you instead drink several large martinis, you'll discover you
have strong views about the Peruvian economy and you'll become a wealth
of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and
possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave
the room.

     Make Things Up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that you
are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of
Peruvians be better off.

Don't Say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."

Instead Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted
for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before
the mean gross poverty level."

Note: Always make up exact figures and if an opponent asks you where
you got your information, make that up too.

For Example: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study
for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?"
(Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your
soiled underwear in my bathroom.")

     Use Meaningless But Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases

Memorize this list of words and phrases:

- Let me put it this way

- In terms of

- Vis-a-vis

- Per se

- As it were

- Qua

- So to speak

(You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.",
"e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you
don't.")

Once you are comfortable with the list, here's how to use these words
and phrases: Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order
appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You can never win arguments with plain language like that. Instead you
should say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to
speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were Q.E.D."

Only fools would even attempt to challenge a statement like this.

     Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at
your opponents when they make valid points. Some of the best are:

- You're begging the question.

- You're being defensive.

- Don't compare apples to oranges.

- What are your parameters?

(The last one is especially valuable. No one other than engineers and
bureaucrats has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.)

And of course you can't forget the classic: You're so linear.

How to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You're being defensive.

So that's it. If you practice these simple-to-follow rules, you will be
able to effectively out-argue anybody. (WARNING: You generally shouldn't
try this on people who carry weapons.)