Swami Johnnieshere's Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment

1.Be a Fundamentalist -- ensure that the Fun always comes before the
Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be
cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in
the material world is to get more material from that track. 
Have a good laughsitive twice a day, which will ensure regularity.

2.Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for
entering, so you are already a winner!

3.The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision.  That's
where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if
we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.

4.Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop. No matter
what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you...

5.It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition
called "truth decay".  Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when
you're tempted to practice 'tantrum yoga', remember what we teach
in the Swami's Absurdiveness Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD.

6.If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me.
That way there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins with
each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there.  Pretty soon all
the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7.I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if
you're looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is simple: When you find a
fault don't dwell on it.

8.There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train
the world and we'll never have to change it again.

9.If you're looking for the key to the Universe I've got some good news
and some bad news. The bad news: There is no key to the Universe.
The good news:  It was never locked.

10.Finally, everything I've told you is 'channeled'. That way, if you
don't like it it's not my fault. But remember: Enlightenment is not a
bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through channels.