Beer Joke & Quotes
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flys landed in each
of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU
BASTARD!!!!"
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Pierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us
stomaches.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life,
so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Beer is good food.
you don't like jail?
naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
--Charles Bukowski
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore
Beer: Nature's laxative.
Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
One more drink and I'd be under the host.
--Dorothy Parker
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking
Barry Manilow.
--Dave Barry
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
--Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer