Beer Joke & Quotes


      One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
      together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.  Just as they
      where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flys landed in each
      of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
      The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

      The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
      drinking it as if nothing had happened.

      The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
      the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU
      BASTARD!!!!"





      Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
      --Catherine Zandonella

      Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
      himself a pleasure.
      --Ambrose Pierce

      Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

      I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
      A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
      thank her.
      What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
      --W.C. Fields

      Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

      Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
      --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
      Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
      --His reply

      If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us
      stomaches.
      --David Daye

      Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
      --Oscar Wilde

      When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
      --Henny Youngman

      Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life,
      so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

      I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
      --Tom Waits

      24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

      Beer is good food.

      you don't like jail?
      naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
      --Charles Bukowski

      If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
      makes beer shoot out your nose.
      --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

      It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

      Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

      Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore

      Beer: Nature's laxative.

      Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!

      One more drink and I'd be under the host.
      --Dorothy Parker

      All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking
      Barry Manilow.
      --Dave Barry

      When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
      year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
      winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
      --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

      Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
      beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
      the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
      --Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

      Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
      oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
      ingredient in beer