Tales from USA
Under the category: "Too Stupid", a true story out of San Francisco.
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this
bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of
America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller
then
called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
===========================================================================
A Texan, a Californian, and a Seattlite were drinking their favorite
beverage in a bar. The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the
half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering
the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good
tequila. The Texan however, simply drew himself up and announced:
"Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."
The Californian, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw
the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also
shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of
superiority, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine
wine and the best of everything!"
The Seattlite drained his bottle of Red Hook Ale, threw it up in the
air, drew his pistol and shot the Californian dead. He then caught the
bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come
from," he said slowly, "we recycle these -- and we have plenty of
Californians.
===========================================================================
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents
of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite
nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived
punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway
through
the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second
longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out
the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's
feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another,
slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it
made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine.
So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!
===========================================================================
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Put on your seatbelt...I wanna try something.
The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
A day without sunshine is like night.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!
Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Please return Stewardess to original upright position.
===========================================================================
A blonde woman competed with a brunette and a redhead in the
Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde
woman
finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked:
"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used
their arms."
===========================================================================
Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still
pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE
PROBLEM- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very
hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind
schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing
blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that
the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who
understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the
situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the
screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you
have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already
done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
===========================================================================
As you would know it is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award
nominees
for
1997. As you know these nominees will not be contributing to the gene
pool
(thankfully).
You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found
out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that
the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could
not be turned off once it was turned on.
And 1994's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out of it.
The nominees are:
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a
former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when
the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was
trying to
repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a
friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung
underneath
so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise.
Burns'
clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found
Burns
"wrapped in the drive shaft."
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird
feeder on
his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb
slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday.
Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when
the
accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel
regional
police."It appears the chair moved and he went over the
balcony,"
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in
December in
Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing
telephone
beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a
Smith&Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to
his
ear.
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a
downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and
plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry
Hoy,
39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower
early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the
building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had
conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police
reports.
Peter, Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson,
told the TorontomSun newspaper that Hoy was"one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)]
Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that
had
fallen
into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the
first
to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after
an
undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His
sister
and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by
one
to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to
help, but they apparently were pulled by the same
undercurrent.The bodies
of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of
Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also
pulled out. It survived.
-------------------------------------------- NOMINEE #7
[Bloomburg
News Service, 25 March]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for
the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark
on
his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his
system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage
(and
a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of
foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing
from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he
been
outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been
fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He
was
". . . a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly
gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
-------------------------------------------- NOMINEE #9 [18 May
93,
San Jose Mercury News]
A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near
Lantana, Fla.,
in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of
Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that
the
man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual
that
was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #10 [1/29/96 The News of the weird.] JOINT NOMINEE
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in
1989. He
had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair
on
a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life
in
prison. In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell
and
attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted.
On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once
on death
row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in
Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as
he
watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.
--------------------------------------------
NOMINEE #11["The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec. 4, 1996].
Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk,
Indiana. A
Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of
a
muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged
in
his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor,
19,
died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m.
Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader
that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to
look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
-------------------------------------------- NOMINEE #12 [AP,
Mammoth Lakes]
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the
Mammoth
Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad,
authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead
at
Centinela Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a
ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam
protectors
from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the
Mammoth
Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The
group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was
one
with its pad removed.
-------------------------------------------- NOMINEE #13
[Reuters,
Warsaw, Poland, 5 May 1995]
A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell
into the
water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said
Thursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing
with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the
other
to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency
quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while
everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had
fish
in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net
tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other
poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
-------------------------------------------- NOMINEE #14 [AP,
St.
Louis]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
market.
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog,
shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics
removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked
him to death.
-------------------------------------------- NOMINEE 15
[Unknown]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on
an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on
him.
-------------------------------------------- NOMINEE 16
[Associated
Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party
popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an
explosion
that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said
Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap
as
a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne.
--------------------------------------------
AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #17 [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1-1-93]
In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were
attempting to
steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were
electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas
but
is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used.
WHAT (redneck) MEN REALLY MEAN
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by
a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely
out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow,
lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides
white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like
Pavlov's
dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day
gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a
bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer,
and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of
every
car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely
clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding
your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor
with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could
be
worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we
are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk
now."
"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new
one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."