Source: Michael Harvey
(I think it's the script from one of Rowan Atkinson's skits)
Genesis: The Book of Creation
CHAPTER 1
1. In the beginning God created Dates.
2. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.
3. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when
there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he
got down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.
4. And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and
pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon
tusks and Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals
made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that,
for the first Work Day.
5. And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that
he had not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be
divided from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we
have made in the earth; but not too deep.
6. And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was
that.
7. And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
8. And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear;
and that was that.
9. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called
he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades
one through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter;
and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant,
but not evenly distributed.
10. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred
miles from the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein,
like manganese nodules, for instance. And the sea floor he
divided into tectonic plates, and each plate He enowed with a
spreading center and a subduction zone. And in a moment of
whimsical divine inspiration He inscribed those plates with
striped patterms of alternating magnetic orientation. And when
God realized the conclusions that Disbelievers could draw from
this, He hid this creation with a dusting thereupon of the remains
of diatoms and foraminifera, thickest at the edge of the plates
where creatures of the Land may someday venture forth, and
thinnest upon the seafloor near the mid-ocean ridges. And He
smiled at His cleverness.
11. and the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which
he called Wednesday or Hump Day.
12. And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every
moving creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with
or without wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all,
right now; and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I
can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like.
13. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great
and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings
and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses.
14. But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply, and
most importantly, Evolve Not.
15. And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw
that the earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them,
Let each species compete for what it needed; for Healthy
Competition is My Law. And the species competeth amongst
themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth
it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God
was pleased.
16. And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused
them to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and
the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it,
and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about
likewise in chronological order, with the oldest on the bottom.
And he buried their bones for the future, even as a dog buries
its treasures. And this is the origin of species.
17. And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a
doubt God created unstable radioisotopes. And He put the most
decayed potassium-argon isotopes in the fossils buried deepest.
And some less-decayed carbon isotopes in shallower fossils and
in the sediments at Olduvai, later to be inhabited by Men, which
had not yet been created.
18. And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw
that he had put in another good day's work.
19. And God said, Let Me make man in My image, after My likeness,
which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make
monkeys, and let us make them crudely in man's image, but not too
closely, but rather short and ill-formed and hairy. And God added,
Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air
and every species, endangered or otherwise.
20. So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and
pale of hue created He him, superior to and nothing at all like the
monkeys. Except for the base pair sequences of their DNA, which
He rendered remarkably similar to those of chimpanzees.
21. And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed,
which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest
it giveth you ideas.
22. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have
given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat.
But they shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth
that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw;
thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf. And thus was created the
first Advertising Slogan.
23. And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was
very good; and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private
sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations, and laws of
nature, and the bureaucrats of the EPA, this could have taken
billions of years.
24. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest
day yet, God said, Thank Me it's Friday. And God made the
weekend.
CHAPTER 2
1. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all in five
days, and all less than six thousand years ago; and
2. Likewise God took the dust of the ground, and the slime of the
Sea and the scum of the earth and formed Man therefrom; and
breathed the breath of life right in his face. And he became
Free to Choose.
3. And God made a Marketplace eastward of Eden, in which the
man was free to play. And this was the Free Play of the
Marketplace.
4. And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow four trees:
the Tree of Life, and the Liberty Tree, and the Pursuit of
Happiness Tree, and the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex.
5. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, This is my
Law, which is called the Law of Supply and Demand. Investeth
thou in the trees of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness,
and thou shalt make for thyself a fortune. And if thou be unsure
of wise investments, choose mutual funds. With what fruit thou
eatest not, that thou mayest sell, and with the seeds
thereof expand thy operations.
6. But the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex, thou mayest
not eat; nor mayest thou invest therein, nor profit thereby nor
expand its operations; for that is a mighty waste of seed.
7. And the man was exceeding glad. But he asked the LORD
God: Who then shall labor in this Marketplace? For I am not
management, being tall and well-formed and pale of hue?
8. And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this kid hath the
potential which is Executive.
9. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of
the field and every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam
to labor for him. And they labored for peanuts.
10. Then Adam was again exceeding glad. But he spake once
more unto the LORD God, saying, Lo, I am free to play in the
Marketplace of the LORD, and have cheap labor in plenty; but
to whom shall I sell my surplus fruit and realize a fortune thereby?
11. And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this is an Live One.
12. And he caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he took
from him one of his ribs, which was an spare rib.
13. And the spare rib which the LORD God had taken from the
man, made he woman. And he brought her unto the man, saying:
14. This is Woman and she shall purchase your fruit; and ye shall
realize a fortune thereby. For Man produceth and Woman
shoppeth and consumeth, wherefore she shall be called the
consumer and bring joy to the lives of retailers.
15. And they were both decently clad, the Man and the Woman,
from the neck even unto the ankles, so they were not ashamed.
CHAPTER 3
1. Now the snake in the grass was more permissive than any
beast of the field which the LORD God had made, but labels
such as Liberal had not yet been created. And the serpent
said unto the woman, Why has thou accepted this lowly and
submissive role? For art thou not human, even as the man
is human? And was thou not created of his rib, to be his equal?
2. And the woman said unto the snake in the grass, the LORD
God hath ordained that I am placed under the man, and must
do whatsoever he telleth me to do; for is he not the Man I must
love, honor, and obey?
3. But the snake in the grass laughed an cunning laugh, and
said unto the woman, Is it not right and just that thou shouldst
fulfill thy Potential? For art thou not comely in thy flesh, even
as the man is comely in his flesh?
4. And the woman said, Nay, I know not, for hath not the LORD
God clad us decently, from the neck even unto the ankles; and
forbidden that we eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex?
5. But the snake in the grass said unto the woman, whispering
even into her very ear, saying, Whatsoever feeleth good, do
thou it; and believeth hou me, it feeleth good. But settle not for
less than 10 minutes of foreplay.
6. And when the woman saw the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge
of Sex, that it was firm and plump and juicy, she plucked
thereof, and sank her teeth therein, and gave also to her
husband, and he likewise sank his teeth therein.
7. And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they saw that
they were not naked, but urgently desirous of being so.
8. And the woman said unto the man, Let me slip into something
comfortable. And the woman lossened then Adam's uppermost
garment, and he likewise loosened hers; and she loosened his
nethermost garment, and the man then loosened her nethermost
garment; until they were out of their garments both, and likewise
of their minds.
9. And, lo!, they did dance upon the grass of the ground, and they
did rock backward, and roll forward continually; and their chorus
of joy did rock the Garden of Eden.
10. And as they did rock and roll, the serpent that was cunning
did play upon a stringed instrument of music, and did smite his
tail upon the ground in an hypnotic rhythm, and he did sing in a
voice that was like unto four voices of ground dwelling insects:
She loveth you, yea, yea, yea.
11. And they did both twist and shout, and fall into a frenzy, both
the man and the woman, and lay themselves upon the ground,
and commit there abominations.
12. And when they were spent from their abominations, they
did take the herb bearing seed, and did roll it and smoke it;
and lo! it gaveth them ideas, even as the LORD God had
said; and they were like to commit new abominations with
renewed vigor and imagination.
13. And as Adam and his wife were beginning these new
abominations, the LORD God did stub the toe of his foot
upon their hindermost quarters.
14. And the LORD God waxed wroth, and said unto Adam,
Wherefore art thou naked? And what is that burning smell?
What is it thou smokest? And why art thou not at thy work?
For have I not said that it is the man's part to produce, and
the part of the woman to consume whatever he produceth?
15.. And Adam and his wife did look upon one another, and
did giggle loudly as the herbs were kicking in.
16. Whereupon the LORD God waxed exceeding wroth, and
he said, Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded
thee that thou shouldst not eat?
17. And the man said, The woman whom you gavest to be with me
made me do it.
18. And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that
thou has done? And the woman said, The snake in the grass
made me do it.
19. And the snake in the grass said, The devil made me do it.
But the devil, being not a fool, had made himself scarce, and did
by his cunning avoid answering The Question. And in the silence
of his absence was createth the 5th amendment.
20. And so the LORD God said unto the snake in the grass, Thou
art an permissive beast; wherefore art thou cursed to crawl upon
they belly, and be made into belts and boots and handbags
hereafter.
21. Unto the woman He said, Since thou has harkened unto the
snake in the grass which is broad-of-mind and permissive;
henceforth let it be thy lot to be confused and scattered in thy
brains, and to be plagued by demons who shall tempt thee
to become that which thou canst not be: such as an warrior,
or an extinguisher of fires, or an operator of heavy machinery.
22. And since thou has put aside the decent clothing wherein I
clad thee, here after no garment shall satisfy thee, and thou
shalt be overcome by longings to change thy style of garment
every spring and fall, and thou shall be cursed to forever
covet thy sister's and neighbor's shoes.
23. And above all this, since thou hast desired to taste of the
fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex, now let thy very
body be a curse unto thee. From generation unto generation,
men shalt whistle and hoot after thee as thou passest; yea,
and women also. And they shall judge you by your bra cup
size, and not by your goodness of heart.
24. And unto Adam he said, Woe unto thee who hast harkened
not to the voice of the LORD thy God, but rather to her who is
thy inferior; for thou wast free to choose. Now shalt thou be
banished from the Marketplace and the Free Play thereof;
neither shalt thou pluck the fruit from the Trees of Life and
Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.
25. In the sweat of they face shalt thou earn thy bread, and
mortgages, bills, and bankruptcy shall be thy lot; and upon
thy back, as a burden unto thee, thou shalt bear Big -
Government; for thou has sinned. And your annual curse
and punishment shall be known as the Internal Revenue
Service.
26. And God realized what He had wrought, and He hastily
created tax-exempt status for churches, and then He created
tax deductions for tithing.
27. And the LORD God said unto the man, Behold, thy
knowledge of sex shall be as a curse upon thee and they
generations; and thy loins shall be a trial to thee.
28. For whensoever thou goest into a public place, then shall
thy member rise up; when thou sitteth to eat and drink among
they fellows, likewise shall it rise up; yea, even when thou
standeth before the people to preach unto them in my name,
shall it rise up, and be a scandal unto thee, and make an
unseemly lump in thy garments; yet when thou goest
into thy wife shall thy member wither, and rise up not.
29. And then the LORD God was silent, and waxed sad, and
made as if to leave them there. But he turned and spoke softly
unto Adam and his wife Eve, saying, Knowest thou something?
Mine only hope is this: That someday, ye have children who
do unto you the way ye have done unto Me. May they disobey
you even as you love them, as you have disobeyed me, and
may they discover the joys of the weed and the ways of the
serpent in the backseats of your cars even as you have
done unto Me. And then shall ye realize that it's no fun
being God if your flock listen not to your commands.