ASSorted Q&A's

Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
They lifted up this fat ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.
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Q:  How many Longshoremen does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Twenty-three.  You got a problem with that?
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Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts.
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Did you hear about the new home appliance?
You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.
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What do you call a woman whose tampax string breaks?
A cotton picker.
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Who started the first computer club?
Eve, she had an apple in one hand and a Wang in the other
She was also the first woman carpenter,
She made Adam's banana stand.
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What do you get when you cross a bowel movement with liquid nitrogen?
An ICBM
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Why are Helen Keller's shoes yellow?
Because her dog is blind too.
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How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They leave the plunger in the toilet.
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How did Helen Keller lose her right arm?
Trying to read the speed limit sign while going down the northway at
60 mph.
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How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
Answering the iron.
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How did she burn the other side?
The jerk called back.
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephant Rhinoceros sine Theta.
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
Nothing, a mountain climber is a scalar.
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Why are cowboy hats like hemorrhoids?
Because sooner or later, every asshole gets one.
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Why can't comp sci's tell the difference between halloween and
Christmas?
Because 31 OCT. = 25 DEC.
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How do you make a dead baby float?
Add root beer and a scoop of ice cream.
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How do you put a baby in a blender?
Feet first, so you can watch the expression on his face.
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What's brown and bubbly and taps on the window?
A baby in a microwave.
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How do you fit 500 babies in a shoebox?
Cuisineart.
How do you get them out?
With a straw.
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What is red and white hangs from telephone wires?
A dead baby that got thrown from a snow blower.
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What is red and white and screams alot?
A skinned baby in salt.
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What is red and white and turns at 35.6 miles per hour?
A baby in a blender.
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What is red and sits in a corner.
A baby with a razor blade.
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What is green and sits in the corner?
Same baby...two weeks later.
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What is blue and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a baggie.
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What's grosser than piling dead babies onto a cart with a pitchfork?
Piling live babies onto a cart with a pitchfork.
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What's red & black and crawls up a woman's leg?
A homesick abortion.
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How do you know when the woman tending bar is ticked off at you?
She leaves the string in the bloody mary.
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Why don't frogs have balls?
Because frogs can't dance.
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What is the difference between your job and your wife?
After 20 years your job still sucks.
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Why did the P.E. major cross the road?
To get three units.
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Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
To get hit by a car.
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What do you call an abortion in Prague?
A cancelled Czech.
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Why is Cal-Tech like screwing a virgin.
Because it is hard to get in, and nine months later, you wish you
never came.
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What is red, black and white and can't get through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her back.
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What is a blond's biggest worry after having a cholestomy?
Finding a pair of shoes to match the bag.
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Did you hear that Billy Jean King has a new line of work?
She sells Snap-On tools.
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Q: How are a tupperware container and a walrus alike?
A: They both like a tight seal.
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Q: How did they elect the current Pope?
A: They took a Pole.
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Q: What do you call a milkman in high heels.
A: Dairy Queen.
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Q: How do you get a one armed Cajun out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.
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Q: What's the difference between between herpes and mono?
A: To get mono, you have to snatch a kiss...
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Q: How can you tell a Polish coyote?
A: He's the one who chews off three legs and is still caught in the   
  trap.
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Q:  Know why all the really beautiful women hang around the guys who  
   are cruel, nasty and otherwise obnoxious?
A:  Because theres just no end to those pricks!
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Q:  If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and you're     
American when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you're     
in the bathroom?
A:  European